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Peg Hunt

Mastering the Art of Difficult Conversations

One of life's greatest challenges is navigating difficult conversations. When we feel hurt, frustrated, or misunderstood, our instincts often lead us down unproductive paths: either retreating into silence or escalating into conflict—neither of which helps us achieve the results we want. Developing effective communication skills when conversations are difficult is essential to maintain positive and productive relationships, because conflict is inevitable. Confronting difficult conversations can be hard—we are hardwired to avoid pain. It takes work, but when we take ownership for the emotional energy we bring to the conversation, we can begin to change the conversation and get better results.


The Power of Story


A significant factor influencing how we approach these conversations is the story we tell ourselves about what happened. The story we tell ourselves provides a framework for understanding events and guiding our actions. By reshaping our story, we can enhance our ability to engage in productive dialogue.


A Personal Reflection


I once left an organization I deeply valued because a colleague accused me of negative intentions and unprofessional behavior. I was shocked and felt hurt and betrayed. While I initially felt my decision to resign was the right course of action, I have since realized that I could have handled the situation differently. By owning my emotions and seeking other solutions, I might have been able to continue my cherished work with this organization.


Rewriting Your Story


To begin to master difficult conversations, we can learn to rewrite our story. We can ask ourselves the following four questions outlined in Crucial Conversations to check and expand the story we tell ourselves:


  1. What am I pretending not to notice?


    • Be honest with yourself about how your own behaviors and assumptions have impacted this.

    • What should I have noticed?


In the example above, what I failed to notice was my colleague's silence and resistance to my advice while I trained her for the work she was taking on. I didn't ask her what she needed. I made a lot of assumptions about the best way to onboard her, but I never asked her what she wanted/needed; I didn't ask about how she was feeling.


  1. Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?


    • Assuming the best in others, ask why this person might have behaved this way.

    • Seek to understand the other person's perspective.

    • Consider their motivations and the context of their actions.


In looking back, I started thinking about possible reasons for her behavior that might have had nothing to do with me. I wanted to take a more compassionate view of her and understand her perspective better—maybe she felt threatened? If she did feel threatened, her behavior towards me made more sense. Later, I found out that she had had similar issues with others, and this was more about her than me.


  1. What do I really want? For myself, the other person, and our relationship?


    • Consider your needs and desires, as well as the needs of others involved.


      In order to have a good conversation, there has to be something in it for the other person (for example, having the goal of “venting” might be good for you, but doesn't necessarily address the needs of the other person).


What I really wanted was to continue my work with this organization, to have a cordial and productive relationship with my colleague so we could do the work of the organization effectively. I wanted to help her get the help/training/support she needed to be successful. I wanted her to know that I valued her success and the success of the organization.


  1. What should I be doing right now to move toward what I really want?


    • What action can I take to achieve my desired outcome?

    • How can I be proactive and take responsibility for what I want?


I could have initiated another conversation and authentically explained how hurt I was, how I truly didn't understand what happened, and asked what else contributed to this situation. I could have asked her about what could be done going forward. This step isn't about solving everything; it's about starting the process to solve the issues.


These four questions can help us to rewrite our story. By mastering our own stories, we can approach difficult conversations with greater empathy, clarity, and courage. We can choose how to respond rather than just react. We can seek solutions that benefit all parties involved. Remember, the ability to change your narrative lies within you, and it is a powerful tool to help you achieve the results you really want. However, no matter how skilled we are, we cannot control other people's responses. While we may not always get the outcome we most desire, we can know that by mastering our stories, we set ourselves up to be as effective as we can be.


If you or someone you know is struggling with having challenging conversations, please contact me at info@peghuntcoaching.com. Coaching is a great place to rewrite your story and move forward.


© Peg Hunt, MS & Anne Garing, PhD


Reference: Crucial Conversations, Third Edition. (2023) Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory. McGraw Hill.

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